Breathe
by AllIHaveIsYou
Summary: Song fic, 'Taylor Swift-Breathe' Bella's POV from in New Moon, my first published fic :


**Disclaimer: I don't own, oh if I did...*happy place***

**Yeah I don't own Taylor Swift, Breathe, either, if I did I'd get style tips, seriously that girl has AWESOME hair...**

**No ownage on the Romeo and Juliet line either...**

**I do own a can of Pepsi though...**

**Bellas POV sometime in New Moon, kinda angsty for my first published fic, oh well...**

I drove home again, after school, what happened today? The periods blur into one, lunch as dull as the rest of the day, let's hope if I need to study, my robotic notes will be enough to help me. I think mike spoke to me today, I think I answered, nodded or something. I shut off the engine, and sat there, how many days now? 28? 29 tomorrow, isn't it supposed to get easier? My chest felt worse as I thought of the days, I should stop doing that. I trudged upstairs, I should check my e-mails, although I know if my mother wanted me she would call, she was still worried about me, Charlie was too, I grimaced as I sat down on the hard plastic chair. Charlie was really worried; maybe I should cook him something nice tonight. I pushed the button and it indicated it's waking.

I looked at the stereo, I haven't even touched it since I realised he took his CD, the one with all his compositions, the one with my lullaby. The pain in my chest doubled me over, I really should stop thinking about things like that, but how could I? I was in this room, where _he_ held me, the room whose window is forever ajar, just in case. I turned to the stereo again, I violently clicked the radio button, music, I hadn't heard music, really heard it since... maybe this station will give me something to tune out the memories, take my mind off of him for a few minutes. The song ended and the announcer said they were going for a change of pace, a new song came on, country, great, and _he_ called himself masochistic...

_I see your face in my mind as I drive away,  
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.  
People are people,  
And sometimes we change our minds.  
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time. _

I stared at the wall, the singers voice filled my ears, 'sometimes we change our minds', we do, _he_ did, I felt the ghost of long shed tears fill my eyes, I thought I was all cried out, nope.

_Mmm mmm mmm  
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm  
Mmm mmm mmm  
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm_

"you...don't...want me"

"no"

His voice, a weak imitation usually, flooded back to with perfect clarity. Those words I heard in his unbearably beautiful voice, but his confessions of love before that, remembered in my minds weak imitation. Frustrated tears fell down my cheeks, how unfair was that? Couldn't I pretend he had loved me, for all that time?

_Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie,  
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see.  
Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,  
Now I don't know what to be without you around_.

I continued to stare at the wall, the song continued to pull at my chest, my mind continued to torment me with his words.

"you inspired this one"

"would you like me to sing you to sleep?"

"hath had no power on thy beauty"

Whispers of his voice, my mind still replaying them in my own imitation. The computer screen flickered, and my hand pushed out to turn it off by the plug, I was in no mood now to think about the computer.

_And we know it's never simple,  
Never easy.  
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.  
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,_

I walked quickly to my bed and lay face down on the pillow, trying to stem the flow of the tears I thought I cried out already,

"A clean break" he whispered,

was it? Did he really leave me cleanly, efficiently? I sneered the word in my head. He could leave me so easily; did he really think a clean break would help me? I would get over him as he has gotten over me so efficiently, if he had had as much trouble as I with this separation of our souls, wouldn't he be here, holding me?

_And I can't,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to._

How tragically appropriate, I felt like my chest had collapsed at my last thought, my lungs unable to cope under the pressure. I hurled in a breath, flipped over to my side and curled my knees up, anything to keep myself from collaping completely within myself. a sob tore through my chest, I was surprised I let myself get this far, after my outburst, the week he left, I never allowed myself this kind of pain, fear of hurting Charlie, fear of becoming nothing. But what was i? Without him, I was nothing, I had failed in that aspect anyway. Another sob broke free.

_Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.  
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.  
But people are people,  
And sometimes it doesn't work out,  
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out._

And I tried so hard, every time he tried to make himself leave me, every time he told me he was a monster, I told him I loved him.

"Stop that." I whispered, pushing my head into his cold chest, his arms instinctively wrapping around me.

"I wish I could," he whispered to himself. We dropped the subject.  
_  
And we know it's never simple,  
Never easy.  
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.  
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand,_

How long had he wanted to leave? How long had he not wanted me around? Everything was fine until my birthday, just another reason to hate the evil event, I thought to myself.

"Will you stay?"

"Not tonight"

Another sob.

"come for a walk with me"

_And I can't,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to. _

I won't think of him, I can't, my chest feel unbearably tight. How did I end up here?

"Hello, my name is Edward Cullen, you must be Bella Swan"

His name in my memory ripped through me, my knees coming up a little more, and my arms tightening. I may not have vampire memory but that smile, his smile, I will remember it as long as I breathe, or hyperventilate.

_It's two a.m.  
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.  
Hope you know it's not easy,  
Easy for me.  
It's two a.m.  
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.  
Hope you know this ain't easy,  
Easy for me. _

I'd lost more than a friend; I'd lost my soulmate, and my soul along with him. I'd lost my new life, the one I wanted so badly, I'd lost my friends, my humour, my interests. I'd lost everything, because they reminded me of him, I tried to push him out of my world, get over him, and does he know how hard it is for me to do that?

_And we know it's never simple,  
Never easy.  
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.  
_

He removed physical evidence that he was here, but I could remember him, I didn't want to but I did. And that first night back, Charlie got sick with worry when I didn't leave my room, I lay in my bed for a solid week, only moving for necessity. His scent was on my pillows, my sheets, my quilt, my sweats. I wouldn't move, I couldn't. I drank it up greedily, knowing my own scent would kill it eventually.

_Ohhh_

I can't,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to,  
Breathe,  
Without you,  
But I have to.

"It will be as if I never existed."

Could I accept that? He wasn't coming back. I can't let this crushing grief kill me,

"Take care of yourself"

I have to, for Charlie, for my mother, she cant be worrying about me with her erratic personality.

I have to try to breathe without him, I just have to try not to think of him, I won't slip, I can't let myself slip. I have people I have to take care of. My arms loosened. My knees fell straight and I rolled over to face the ceiling.

_Sorry (oh) Sorry (mmm)  
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)  
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)  
Sorry_

I wrenched my hand up and dried my face. I won't cry, crying reminds me of him. I will try to be normal, I will try harder. I won't allow the people I love combust because of the collapse of myself.


End file.
